Lets Start with a Loss

I would first like to say that I mean no offense when I write this, which I'll explain later why one might find it offensive...

I put my status on facebook (yes....the most important part of everyone's life) as "The smallest of changes can make your mind spin." Recently, a fellow elmhurst college student passed away. I didn't know him per se, but I knew of him. He sat behind me in my Writing Fiction class. He was one of those people where I looked at him and knew that he was the type of person that I want to be. I don't just say that because he isn't here anymore, I would've admitted to it if he were still alive. I remember seeing him walk in one class period wearing a sweater that my 67 year old father would wear. I can't even specifically remember what it looked like, but I looked at it and thought, weird... It was the day that his short story was being critiqued, so he walked to the front of the room, in this old man sweater, with his notebook and a coffee mug and sat in front of us while we all talked about what we liked, were confused about, and thought needed changes in his story. I watched him as he silently took in our thoughts, and stereotyped him. (Anyone who says that they don't put stereotypes on people are liars, so I don't feel completely horrible saying that I did this. And if you are sitting there taking offense to that I just called you a liar, get over it. My opinion isn't worth the frustration.) I saw him as one of those indie types of people. I saw him as a person that was a complete individual--original and insightful. That is the type of person I strive to be.

His story was the first one that I read and I was blown away. I have read 13 or 14 other stories from my other classmates since then, and I still have yet to find one that I liked as much as his. Everything about the story intrigued me, and all I can say is that I loved it. As he sat in the front and everybody laid out their opinions and questions about it, I looked at him and thought I wish I was friends with this guy...I could never write anything like this...I would feel really good about myself if he seemed interested in anything I wrote. I was actually embarrassed with the story I had wrote and handed out to everyone to read after I read his story. I feel like people will think that I'm exaggerating just because he is gone and I want to somehow feel connected to this tragedy, but that's not what I'm doing. These are honestly things that I thought, and were my true impressions of him. I never once spoke to him, but his passing has made my mind spin. I can't even imagine what his family and friends must be feeling. Just from the brief look into his mind through reading his story, I found him to be brilliant. My condolences to anyone who has to deal with his passing. It is a terrible loss.

And all I can think is that I wanted to have read his short story once it was revised.

Death is a crazy and powerful thing that haunts me everyday. Its my biggest fear, capable of plunging me into a panic attack, so when someone I know, or knew of, dies, I feel pain. I feel panicked. and then it changes, I feel numb. I know what it is like to lose someone very close to you. I lost my best friend at nine years old, and there is no greater misery than losing someone you love. Anything related to that person or said about the person can stir up pain. With that being said, that is why I made the disclaimer. When I lost my friend and other people would talk about her, people that may have known her or may have only known of her, I was pissed. I hated that others spoke of her like they had some great connection because I felt that it was MY loss. It all sounds selfish and petty, and maybe not everyone feels that way, but I know that there are some people that do and I don't want them to think that I did this meaning to hurt them.

First blog....got really heavy really fast. Next Blog: something whimsical or lighthearted, I promise.